Unconditional Love
 My name is Kaylynn. I am thirteen years old and I am
the daughter of a drug addict. When I was younger my grandmother, who is also my guardian, had no problem telling me where my parents where. I remember one time, I was maybe 4 years old, my brother and I were laying in bed with my grandmother. My brother said "I want my mommy". My grandmother replied "You know very well, your mammy doesn't care about you. She is out in the street looking for drugs." I just kind of went numb and started to cry. I began wondering why my mother or father wasn't here with me, like the families I saw on TV. The answer my mind gave me was "Because they don't want to be."
At the age of about 9 I began to see my mother again. I'm sure I saw her before, but sometimes certain incidents stick out more than others. When I was 9, my mother had her own apartment. It was our little home. Of course my brother and I could not live there, we just visited whenever we could. It seemed like every time my mother got a new boyfriend the farther away she moved from us. Every time a man came into her house, we felt like she put him before us. She could know him for about 2 weeks, and she would chose to pick him up from bars, over going to a family outing with us. Also with every new man came drugs; which, let us not forget, is her addiction. I remember we were supposed to go to the zoo one day but she never showed up. I called her phone and she never answered. That's when I knew she had lost it. She went off to find more of whatever was taking her away from me. Ever since I can remember her patterns were to show up unexpectedly, and then disappoint and disappear again.
When I was 12, I thought my mother got better. She enrolled at City College and things were looking good for her. I really thought she had been cured. She was no longer able to have her own place because she had been in jail. She stayed at a group home for women. I visited her almost every 2 weeks. To be honest I liked only visiting her every 2 weeks. It is a shame to say, but I felt uncomfortable around my parents, they were both complete strangers to me. My mother was well for a while but she stopped calling again, so I suspected the worst. I called the women's shelter where she was staying. They said that they had not seen her either. Once again she had disappeared and I was disappointed. However this time I was not alone. My younger brother went to the Build a Bear workshop and made her a stuffed panda. It was one of those really nice ones that had a voice box. It said "I love you mom" in his voice. It was supposed to be her Christmas present, but she never picked it up. My brother was crushed.
All the time I was thinking she just doesn't care about us. Then one day I was looking through my grandmother's drawers and I found a bunch of letters addressed to my brother and me. I opened them and they were from my mother. She explained how she had been hiding out from the police because they had a warrant out for her arrest. I felt betrayed by my grandmother, who also is an alcoholic, because she kept me from the little bit of my parents that I had. When she found out I had found the letters she said these words exactly "You'll end up just like your parents. Druggies. You'll never be more than whatever you are today and that is nothing." For a while I believed her. I found relief through poetry and song. Instead of exploding in her face I wrote things down in a journal.
One night in October in 2006, I heard a knock on my door. My grandmother answered it. A voice from the cold of the night said "I just came by to say hi." The door closed shut very quickly and all was silent. "Its mom" my brother whispered to me. We both looked out the window and saw our mother. Immediately, all 3 of us burst into tears. She waved at us as our grandmother pulled us away from the window with force. She slapped me in the face hard and forced me into my room. I remember crying so hard that night. I thought to myself "why me of all people God why." My mother stood out there that night, I'm guessing she was looking for a ride back to where ever she had came from. My grandmother threatened to call 911 on her if she didn't leave. Over time, I received more letters from my mother. I decided to hide them from my grandmother.
Today I am telling you this story to let all young girls like myself know, no matter what your parents or people around you do, you can't let it bother you. You gotta do you, regardless of who doubts you. My dream is to become whatever I am meant to be. I have ambitions that I am willing to meet and I plan to meet them. My grandmother told me I would end up like my parents and I am determined to prove her wrong. As for now, I will be starting high school soon and I plan to make all of my dreams a reality despite what anybody tells me. I gotta do me!!!
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